Time Machine

            I remember when I got into middle school; it was the first time i met and got to know someone who was not Indonesian. I was probably 13 and he was 19 at the time. His name was Zakareya and he was an Egyptian. He told me he was a student majoring in geography though he claimed that his passion had always been computer programming. He lived in Alexandria, Egypt and honestly he was the wisest person I knew at that time. Being a confused teenager with rage and very little to no clue on life, he was a big help and a huge part of me growing up into an adult. He then went back to Alexandria and we remained in touch with each other. I remember went on yahoo messenger almost every night to talk to him. I remember him complaining about lots of things happening in his country. From poverty, to his government, and everything. I was still not that well read on International issues at time so I took his complaining as just ‘Zack being grumpy about everything’ so I did not think about it that much.

            It wasn’t until 2011, when I watched news on TV about how Egyptians were gathering and doing this huge demonstration. I wasn’t fond of politics so I couldn’t understand the big issue. I lost contact for several weeks and I remember worrying about him especially when I heard the riot turned violent. When I finally got in touch he told me about how he and his friends from Alexandria University were going to Cairo to join the riot. I told him not to go because I heard it was dangerous. But then he was giving me this 10 minutes speech about how this is his responsibility for his fellow Egyptian and for the betterment of is country and bla bla bla. I was worried sick and felt like something bad would happen but when i heard that Hosni Mubarak finally toppled down, I was relieved and I thought finally the fight was over and he was safe.

Never did I knew that my premonition was not totally baseless after all. The fight was not over yet. On July 2013, after Morsi was wrongfully eliminated by Egyptian Army, Zakareya of course joined another riot protesting before he got shot by the Egyptian Army. He died on July 2013 right before I left Indonesia to go on an exchange program to United States. I was very devastated at the time. I never thought he would actually die in the riot. I couldn’t believe the news until his brother actually confirmed it to me. It was just too cliché like in movie. I mean seriously? I had already made plans to visit him in Egypt when I graduate college and stuff. I remember being very mad yet confused. For not truly understanding what actually happened. Moreover, after I found out that the situation in Egypt was still bad after Zakareya died I got mad even more. I was very angry with the fact that I felt helpless and that his death was useless. I hated God for making him dead yet still making such a mess in Egypt. Why did it have to be him? It then caused a trauma for me to stay away from politics because no matter how good of a person you are, you would still always lose the battle against big bad actor namely cruel government.

If I could change one thing about the way I remember that tragedy, I wish his death would not necessarily made me hate politics or social issues. I wish I would not think that his death was totally useless and unfair. I wish I could tell the 17 years old me that life happens and suffering in the fight for something that you believe in is okay even normal and necessary. I wish I could have told myself that no death is useless. That his sacrifice was not useless and his death still counted for a cause. That I couldn’t be selfish and hating politics just because I failed to understand and comprehend it. I put label on politics and social science in general as something that was filthy, dirty and most likely cause suffering. I wish I could have made myself realize sooner that its not politics per se that killed Zakareya.

But then I grew up and the grief I had for Zakareya turn into passion to actually find my own fight in life. Things I want to fight and achieve in life. I’ve always been a pacifist and I don’t believe in war. I realized I don’t want to be buried under any flag. I hate violence and I just suddenly had this ambition to eliminate as much violence as possible in the world. Since then, I read more and more about issues relating to Middle East conflict and just international relations in general and that’s when I made a lifetime decision to study International relations in college. Some people might say what I am doing is actually trying to make something out of Zakareya’s death so that his death wouldn’t be useless after all. So that at least his death would mean something and left some legacy for me. Yes they might be right. But what I know for sure is that I still hate what happened to Zakareya and yes, I am still struggling to accept the fact that casualties and life sacrifices in that kind of fight and riot is somehow normal, but i'll manage.