Darren and Liam

artwork belongs to Gabriel Garbow

“Have you moved on from me?” He asked carefully. His eyes were trying to search for whatever clues in mine.

“Well..” I cleared my throat. “I still masturbate about you if that’s what you mean..” I laughed nervously. “Like a lot..” I continued, still trying my hardest to lighten the mood. I hate this. I hate where this conversation was going. I hate the emotion that was starting to bubble up inside my chest, threatening to break free from whatever cage i have put them in.

"You know it very well that's not what i meant, Liam.." His eyebrows furrowed, almost apologetic, almost begging.

"But its true!" I insisted. "I think about you when i masturbate. I think about you when i'm turned on. I think about you when i am about to cum. Gosh, Darren i even think about you when i am hooking up. Like every.single.fucking.time! Its starting to annoy the shit out of me!" I started laughing hysterically.

"Look, i really wanna talk to you for real this time. Like an adult this time. So can you please drop the sex talk and focus on the real issue now?" Darren started to raise his voice now. Clear evident of his uneasiness, of how uncomfortable he still is talking about sex. Especially the ones that involve us. Yet who the fuck are you calling a child now, dear Darren?!

"Huh, the issue.." I chuckled. "Both of us know the only issue there is, is my daddy issues, baby." I smiled sardonically.

Well,  I think about you when my episode comes. I think about you when i have my breakdown. I think about you when i am happiest. I think about you when i went grocery shopping and i pass your shampoo aisle at the supermarket. I think about you when i am stressed and i scratched myself. I think about you when i am crying happy tears from having passed my thesis defense.  

I think about you every time i eat at a good meat restaurant. I think about you every time i see a funny meme or kitten videos thinking if only i could still tag Darren in it. I think about you every time someone mentions they are going on a mountain-climbing trip. I think about you every time someone casually mentions your city. I think about you every time someone uses your dialect when they speak. 

I think about you every time i am about to kiss anyone, grumbling internally about how their lips aren't as plump as yours. How their embrace aren't as engulfing as yours. How the butterflies aren't there when it's not the crook of your neck my face nuzzles into. With every stranger that i fuck, my sadness grows from the sheer realization that they aren't you. And how all the pretend touches failed to trick my body into believing it was you. Preventing me from reaching the only peak i have been craving to reach. Who am i kidding right? Who am i trying to fool? They are not not even close. They don't compare to you. Nobody will ever compare to you. 

The day i finally i decided to quit using sex as a means to deflect from the inner void inside myself, is the day i realize and made peace with myself. That maybe i should stop running now. That it's okay to feel the feelings now. That its okay to love someone this much. That its not pathetic to still miss someone this much. That maybe, admitting that i am still bitter about the first love (and first fuck) of my life isn't as embarrassing. That to love and wanting to be loved by only that one specific person, is humane after all. That being able to harbor this much affection and fear for someone isn't a weakness, after all. 

"Liam.. please.." He started to grab my hand on the table this time. I jolted and pulled it back quickly.

"You don't have to worry about me, Darren. I dont need that." I said firmly. Way too firmly for the raging sob deep in my throat.

"All i am asking is, are you okay?" He said carefully. His eyebrows met. Genuine concern on his face.

"And all i am saying is, i will be. I am managing and i will be even better than okay. No biggies." I said it truthfully this time.