Carrick

Disclaimer : I wrote this when i was 17 years old. Yeah i just wanna put it out there.

Rowena Jade Sanders       : March 3rd 1996

Carrick Keenan Ford        : August 18th 1995

Saturday, February 23rd 2013  00.14 AM

“Thanks for being here tonight..” Carrick moved his thumb along my jawline. “I know you would come.” He said each word like he meant it with every  parts of his soul.

“Once again i must say thanks..” I could see the glint of street lamps on his deep and dark coal eyes. I could even see the reflection of my own face there. His eyes were like those deep lakes during midnight with a very little light around it but many stars in the sky reflected on its surface. I really hoped i could be one of those stars in his eyes.

            I wanted to bring my self to say that he didint have to say that since we were bestfriend and such. All kind of things which i could use to lie at that moment. But i just couldnt bring myself to say it. Not even to open my lips. I was just there. Laid underneath him, staring at him right in the eyes. I could feel the grass under Carrick’s jacket on my back. The wind kept blowing my hair. He held my naked body even tighter. It made me feel it again. The type of sadness that produce such big hollow in my chest.

It was the first time in my life to see Carrick’s eyes which i secretly called ‘penetrating eyes’, became so weak and vulnerable. Like the fuel in the generator that had been providing the electricity there was run out.

            Of course the generator had long been run out of fuel. And the main reason has been our little—if it isn't huge— secret for the past months. Whenever i thought about that person, i felt this horrible wrath took over my mind. The kind of wrath which make you want to beat the shit out of every dumb grown man in lavish suit.

“Do you feel like coming in, Ro? I think you like warm better?” He asked suggestively. My head shook. “Fine then..” Here came the Carrick’s first genuine smile for the first time in months.

            “Are you okay?” I brought myself to speak.

            He stifled his laughter. Which turned out to be a very heartwarming smile. “Gosh, i should have been the one to ask you that, shouldnt i? After all these..” He motioned his eyes to indicate our naked bodies. “Sorry that you got such a jerk as a your friend. Yet you are still too kind to me, Ro..”  He took a deep and a very long breath on my forehead. When he finally exhaled, i could smell the beer.

Finally he said “Did i hurt you, Ro? Please dont try to hide anything..” He started to get up and examined my body. I squirmed as i was totally embarrassed because i believed he could see every cellulite on my thigh very clearly now. With those penetrating eyes that has finally came back from its grave, he scrutinized my face. I managed to avoid his stare. Finally i gave up keeping my mouth shut.

“I am really fine. Thanks for asking.” I replied too firmly.

“You’re so quiet tonight..” He frowned.

“Am i really that noisy all the time? “ I spoke in such way i hoped he would take as a cheerful tone. His answer surprised me, “ No. You’re not though..” He laid his back beside me and lit his cigarette. He started to inhale it really slow. I secretly wished i could be a cigarette. I stared at it. He offered me a questioning look. I knew he was being obtuse. Then he shook his head firmly. And thats all. End of discussion. No bullshitting compromise whatsoever.

“You wont want your lungs to get ugly, Ro” he turned to me, head propped on one elbow. I was just rolling my eyes. Sometimes he started to act like he wanted to protect me or something. Most of times the illusion made me really happy. But sometimes it was just annoying, like this time. My bad mind told me that I knew deep down he was probably didnt give a slightest shit about what might happen to my lungs. He was just trying not to worsen his guilt after all that we’ve done tonight. For him, tonight was momentous enough to be the night i lost my virginity. He didnt think he should add any more significance by  making it the first time i smoke cigarette.

“How do you feel now?” I asked to distract him. I wanted his eyes to stop inspecting my face. To stop searching any pit that might enable him gaining some  access through my eyes.

“Please Ro!” He groaned, “Stop acting like i am the one being raped. You make me feel even worse.” He suddenly raised his voice. I glared at him. I hate being shouted at. He knew it perfectly and suddenly grab my face. He started to look really pathetic i couldnt help commiserating him.

“Look, i am terribly sorry, okay? I know i’ve been acting like a total bastard. But you must know i never mean to hurt you. I cant afford to lose one more source of my strength..” I was assuaged at that. He moved his face really close to mine. “You understand that dont you?” I swallowed my bile and nodded.

“Answer  with words, Rowena!” He shook my shoulder. He was exasperated.

“I do, sir!” I muttered. I was beyond happy to know that he finally needed me. At least he sounded like he did right now.

“Then again you’ve always been the brainy one..” He smiled that prominent smile type of him. Now i wanted to be one of his dimples. The thought of being part of his body sent tingles south of my navel. I’d like to be with him whenever he smiles. Three years with him had taught me he’d got dozens types of smile with those lips of him. And another hundred utterances with that face. Resembling his symptomatic body language. But i didnt join his smile. I guessed he understood why.

“Have i said sorry?” He asked.

“About hundred and twenty seconds ago..” I replied quietly.

“Hhmm, would you like me saying that for another hours?”

“Dont think so..” I shrugged.

“You didnt say the ‘i’..”

“Pardon?” My eyebrows met.

“Rowena that i know would have answered a question in proper grammar. You should have said ‘I dont think so’..” He frowned.

“Jeez, Mister!” I rolled my eyes twice which made me little dizzy. He smiled that sexy half smile and his right dimple resurfaced.

“Seriously Ro, we can always go to hospital if you want. In case anything is hurt or some bruises or—“ I sealed his mouth with mine. After some more kisses i released him. Now i feel like being his tongue.

“Or what? Why dont we just go back to your parents then? It will solve all the problems if there are any, that is!” I stopped our kissing quiet roughly.

 I didnt mean it to come out so harsh. “Listen, I know i am different tonight. Dont think you could blame me though—” He frowned, “I meant I dont think you could blame me—” I put stress on the word ‘I’. “since tonight you are being something and we were doing something which incidentally is my very first something..” I played with hairs on his chest.

“Of course. I am just being thoughtless..sorry” Those distant look on his eyes started to reappear. Panicked, i started to kiss his mouth real hard. I would do anything to prevent that look emerging on his face ever again. Promise.

We were stopped abruptly by John Lennon’s voice on his mobile. He turned pale when he saw the screen. I knew it then. I just knew. Real friends always knew. I looked at him. That terrified eyes stared back. He looked so helpless i couldnt help imagining myself throwing a really strong acid at his face. I shook my head real hard. I took the mobile from his grip and opened the back case. I pulled the card forcefully.

“I told you to turn it off before, didnt i?” I said sharply. He looked lost. “Lets get inside. You are cold. Get to your feet.” I got dressed and he followed. We walked inside his cottage and i ordered him to sit on sofa while i fixed some tea. It was the first time ever Carrick Ford let other people bossing him around. If it wasnt because of that grown up bastard, he would never let others making him accept orders like a dog. He would never let some nerd chicks took  charge of his life. Some nerd chick like you are! I spooned some sugar furiously.

I went back to living room. He was sitting on the carpeted floor. Head down between his legs. His hands perched on top of his bending knees. When i arrived, he lifted his head. The abyss has flashed in his eyes but suddenly gone when he saw me. Replaced by some kind of guilt and fear. He was about to open his mouth when i wished i were really deaf. I blocked my ears but the teacup and its saucer dropped. Glass were scattered around my feet.

“Dont you dare mention that asshole, Carrick!” I tried to speak in the sharpest voice i could make. I meant every word i said. “Dont you dare saying that name...” I was trembling horribly. My voice was shaking. I was scared to hear that. I was terrified to hear what he was going to say eventhough i knew. I knew it by heart what he was about to say. “DONT. YOU. DARE. CARRICK!” It was the most pathetic shrieking voice i’d ever heard. And it was mine.

“I love him, Ro..” He said helplessly. Finally. Beyond doubt. With no going back. My hands failed to block everything. The words stabbed me straight on my chest. I had known what he was about to say. I just knew. And it maddened me ever more. Actually i was more downcast than mad. I hate feeling weak. I really felt like beating some asshole now but i slapped Carrick hard instead. Then i slapped another one of his cheeks. Again. And again. I didnt stop. I didnt stop crying either. He sat there feebly. I was so frustrated i wanted him to start fighting me back. To stand against my abuse. Trust Carrick to do the exact thing to either perk up my mood or worsen my wrath. At my thirtienth blow, he held my wrist. He looked straight to my eyes.

He mouthed, “ I am sorry..”

The needles back in my chest. Each jab making me dizzy. They were all  working their way to deepen the hollow. I glared at his eyes. “I hate you” were all i could manage to say before everything went coal black.

*Artwork's credit goes to its artist

***TO BE CONTINUED***