You.

Its your birthday today. 

I was riding my motorbike when I looked up to the sky this morning. The sky looked exceptionally clear and bright for a December in Jogja, especially compared to the rainstorm yesterday. I have been thinking a lot about you lately. I mean I have always been thinking about you, you practically never leave the back of my mind, but these days the thoughts are even more wound-up than ever before. I have been having more breakdowns this week and today I finally worked out again.  I remember when I was in my last year of middle school; I was on the verge of panic attack before the national exam. You told me to take a deep breath and look up to the sky. To see how vast the sky is, how grand our Lord is, so that I will feel safe knowing that whatever hurdles come my way, my Lord is a great One way more than capable to get me through it. I never forget that.

You would have been 29 today. Lord took you when you were my age now. You were also in college then, fighting for the country you hate to love.  I can only pray that our Lord gives me half the guts and courage He gave you because right now I feel like I am failing you. Like I am not doing enough. like no matter how much effort I put into life, it will all be utterly useless.  I am scared shitless about life and I wish I can still hear your voice soothing me that I am doing well and that you are proud of me.

I was watching this documentary the other day, about a murdered activist in Algeria and how her sister made that movie to honor her.  Despite the movement being repressed, her sister still wants to preserve her legacy somehow.   I remember thinking that I wish I have her love because obviously love is what motivates her to do something about the paralyzing grief she felt for her dead sister. I wish I too, am strong enough to muster the deep courage and love I know I have for you underneath all this grief and bitterness I am clinging onto.  I know can’t promise you the world but I did promise you that I would try. I remember you telling me that we shouldn’t celebrate birthdays and funnily enough yours is the only one I will ever celebrate. Not in the festive, loud, and annoying way we both hate but in the serene, grateful way for the gift of friendship I forever owe you.

Rest in power, Z.

** Artwork by Leonid Afremov